The most frequently asked question I receive as a counselor is this: "Is there any way to definitely know if my husband is gay before or during the marriage?"
There is only one sure way — if the man is honest! Since this rarely happens, this list provides the behavior patterns that can be clear indicators in determining whether your man might be gay. Some of these behaviors include:
There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage that never picks up again. He tries to convince you that all relationships have a decline in sex even when you’ve only been together for a few years.
He is turned-off by normal sexual activity and accuses you of being oversexed, aggressive, or a nymphomaniac when you have normal sexual needs.
His sexual performance is more mechanical than passionate with a lack of satisfying foreplay.
He claims he is "depressed" and will blame his depression or medication for depression for his lack of sexual desire for you.
You find sexual enhancers such as Viagra or Cialis hidden in his private hiding places, but you know he hasn't made any attempt to have sex with you.
He tells you that he wants you to use sex toys on him because he needs his prostate stimulated or because he likes kinky sex.
He erases the computer history on a regular basis.
You find pop-ups of gay pornography on the computer while he claims they are not his.
He spends excessive time texting people at irregular hours.
He starts to spend more time at the gym and works on changing his appearance.
He claims that he feels “trapped” in the marriage and won’t explain why.
He travels a lot for business and you can’t track his activities.
He says he is having a "mid-life crisis" and becomes moody and depressed.
He tells you about sexual abuse in his childhood/adolescence.
He admits to having a homosexual encounter in the past.
He uses the word "bisexual."
He visits gay bars claiming he’s there only to hang out with his gay friend(s).
He watches porno movies with gay male scenes.
He makes continual homophobic comments or he makes too many gay comments in conversations.
His ego appears to be boosted by compliments from gay men.
These are the obvious “red flags” that most of our women have found in their relationships. However, some men don’t exhibit any of this behavior, but they are still gay. Some men have sexual activity with their wives for many years because of their emotional need to prove they are straight and they do love their wives. But some of those men also fantasize about other men in order to perform with their wives. Some men allow their wives to handle the financial affairs and their wives get all of their obvious bills. In fact, there are some gay husbands who are truly great guys and nice men. They are kind to their wives and don’t resent them. So yes, there are a few gay husbands who don’t fit the prototypes listed above, but they are still gay. The list is a guideline to alert you for signs to look for; however, these are not absolutes.
I always tell women to follow their instincts. Women who have straight husbands don’t come to me thinking that their husbands are gay. Women can sense when something is off or wrong in a relationship. Some are misled into thinking that it could be infidelity with another woman at first because the idea of a man is inconceivable. By the time a woman suspects that the issue is homosexuality, her sixth sense has surfaced and she just KNOWS. Statistics say that over 50% of gay husbands will never be honest with their wives or tell them the truth about why the marriage isn’t working even after they leave the marriage. They often turn the tables and make you think that you are crazy or imagining things even when you have proof. Or when they leave, they name a dozen faults that you have that made the marriage fail even if they aren’t true. Don’t spend a lifetime waiting for confirmation. Move on with your life so you can find the happiness and peace of mind you deserve.
To learn more about the Gay Husband Checklist as well as to learn about the prototype of woman a gay man seeks out in a relationship, you can order Bonnie’s book.