Men's Coming Out Help

As a counselor in this field of straight/gay marriages since 1984, I have had the opportunity to work with nearly two thousand men--like you--who are going through the pain of struggling with leading a double life in their marriages. I have great compassion for men in this situation because I believe almost every man entered his marriage loving his wife and spending his life with her. Most gay men believed that loving their wives would take away those "urges" to be with men because the pressure in our society not to be gay is so great. The majority of men who do marry don’t understand they are gay because they have been influenced by the gay stereotype in the media projecting men who are effeminate and flamboyant. There is a “disconnect” when you fall in love with a woman who excites you emotionally and in the beginning, even sexually. You couldn’t be gay because even if you found yourself thinking or attracted to men, you don’t fit the mold. You don’t see yourself dancing with men seductively at a gay bar and may even feel repulsed by those scenes. You honestly believe you are…well… straight with issues or attractions, but that doesn’t mean GAY.

Most gay married men enter marriage loving their wives to the best of their ability and believe that they can have the traditional “American Dream” of a wife, children, and societal respectability. At some point in the marriage, as their sexuality becomes more defined, the dream shatters, and they are left to deal with who they are. Homosexuality is not a "sexual preference," but rather it is who a person is no matter how hard he fights it and doesn't want it to be true due to family, religious, and societal pressures.

I tell men in this situation that you don't have a choice in your homosexuality--but you do have a choice in being honest about it with your wife. Once a man realizes that he is he is fantasizing about men or engaging in gay sex, he has a responsibility to be honest with the woman he promised to love, cherish, and honor. Honor means being honest about what you are no matter how difficult that is.

I have worked with over 80,000 women since 1984 who have suffered with the lie of their gay husbands who couldn't or wouldn't be honest, and in time, turn their frustration and anger towards their wives. They have stripped these women of their sense of self-esteem and sexual esteem through the lies and deceit. Certainly in many cases — like yours — the hurt is not intentional, but nevertheless, unintentional hurt is just as painful.

I know that coming out to your wife is the second most difficult task any gay married man has to go through. The most difficult task is living a daily lie and denying both you and your wife of the happiness that the truth can bring.

This is a situation that affects over 4 million women and their gay husbands in this country, as well as millions more throughout the world. It's not uncommon, although when you're living through it, you feel extremely isolated and alone. However, there comes a time when you have to be true to yourself and who you are. Living a double life is debilitating to you and your family. Never believe your wife doesn't know that something is wrong. Most likely, she is internalizing that your unhappiness is because of something wrong that she is doing which is not the case. We both know she could be the best wife in the world — but you are a gay man who needs a man. If you truly love her, you won't want her to suffer this way anymore.

I have some important newsletters written by gay husbands/ex-husbands who are part of my network. I will be happy to email them to you if you request them by writing to me at I also have some excellent support for you from other men who understand your struggle because they have lived it and can help you through it. I will make sure to provide support from them if you are interested.

You can also listen to an important computer radio podcast that will help you learn more about the struggles gay husbands go through in this interview with Dr. Brian Hooper, a gay psychotherapist and pastoral counselor. We recorded this show to help give clarity to men who need support during their struggle. You can hear the podcast at this link by pasting it into your browser:

The important thing for you to remember is that you have had a lifetime to struggle with this. Your wife will need time to process this as well. She will need your emotional and financial support in order to start healing. I will be happy to give your wife the support she needs as you both go through this transition.

I cannot promise you that everything will be wonderful once the truth is out, but I can guarantee you that both of you will continue to be miserable if it doesn't happen. In many cases, families can remain families and raise their children even if it is under separate homes. If you have gotten to the point of reading this information, it means that you are looking to do the only thing to save your family unit. As I tell my women — Life was never meant to be this complicated.